EARNING MORE THAN HIM.

Some men find it impossible to swap these roles,"says HARRISON"especially men who are stuck in traditional attitudes, who believe that a man's role is to make money and a woman’s role is to make babies and stay at home.

"For these men, the size of their home, the type of car they drive and the schools their children attend represent their success. A man like this will almost definitely experience conflict when 'traditional' gender roles are turned upside down and his wife or girlfriend actually earns more than him."

"A man who can't make the gender shift often feels like he has failed in the traditional role as provider, "This leads to low self-esteem, which, in turn, causes him to lash out at his partner."

Such a man accuses his wife of having affairs with a colleague; he questions every function she has to attend and is suspicious if she has to work late. Some men start accusing their wives of everything from frigidity to promiscuity.

"A successful woman who is involved with a man with low self-esteem, who can't handle her financial success, can get very depressed by the belittling accusations that her partner makes,

If you earn more than him and it causing tension, try these practical steps:

Don't shut him out
In these trying situations, successful women are often forced to adopt a very businesslike approach. "This may be necessary to ensure their success in their careers but it does little for their personal relationships.

"They develop an ability to "shut off" and refuse to discuss the situation. Her partner, who already feels emotionally uncomfortable, then experiences a further emotional blow from his wife’s distant attitude."

Making the relationship work
"Money is often the excuse for a couple to argue," says Cecile, "when in fact there may be underlying issues. Times have changed and women don't need to apologise for earning more but they must also be sensitive when they deal with their partner who may have a fragile ego.

"Men need to see the fact that their partner is doing well as a positive thing and not as a threat to their masculinity. Couples need to celebrate each other's strengths and successes."

Communication is vital
A couple must discuss the problems. The man has to have an outlet for his feelings and the woman should understand that she needs to be sensitive in not making him feel useless and inadequate.

"Men are very touchy in the arena of earnings," IF his partner earnings are more than he,s. this can really undermine him. It takes a lot of maturity from a man to handle this situation.

Be aware
If a woman is earning more, she must be hyper-aware of her partner and his needs. The most effective way of dealing with this situation is for the man not to see earning capacity as a reflection or direct sign of his potency. Go out of your way to make him feel potent and never ever throw it at him that you earn or pay for more. This is a sure way to make the man feel inadequate.

Be honest
Start with an open and honest discussion. This must take place without any accusations of 'you do this' or 'you do that'. Rather use the 'I' message.

Instead of saying, "You are aggressive", say, 'I experience you as being aggressive". Then it is not an attack but a subjective experience.

Just listen
Listen to what your partner is saying. The imago-technique can be used very successfully in such circumstances.

The imago-technique requires that person A is allowed to talk without person B interrupting; person B only listens. Person B must then summarise what he heard from A. A then answers and says whether what B heard is what A actually meant.

The process is then repeated and B talks while A listens. In this way they are prevented from yelling at each other and both parties learn to really talk to each other.

Put yourself in your partner's shoes
When you are wearing his/her shoes, you discover how to look at a situation through his/her eyes and to observe the situation as he/she sees it.

BY HARRISON OMOTUENMHEN

BREAK IT OFF

While you are in a relationship, you are out of circulation. So you are stopping yourself from finding a happier relationship with someone you are better suited to.

Susan Page, author of If I'm so wonderful why am I still single, says that another important reason to get out of an unhealthy relationship is that staying in one could be detrimental to your self-esteem. Even though self-esteem is largely about feelings you have about yourself, they still need to be reinforced by positive messages from outside.

If your partner doesn't appreciate or love you for who you are, you risk starting to see yourself as they see you. Staying in a relationship in which you spend a lot of time with a person who doesn't value you and turns your positive qualities into negative ones will severely harm your self-esteem.

Does your partner tell you that your natural need for intimacy shows you are being clingy? Does he say that your outgoing personality is irritating and attention-seeking? Does he say your sensitivity is over-dramatic and crazy? It is imperative to get out of any relationship that reinforces your weaknesses rather than your strengths.

If you answered yes to any of these questions then it's time to break it off. It won't be easy but Susan Page suggests the following four strategies for ending things:

1. Try to say something positive before or after you end the relationship. Bad news is easier to digest if it comes with a genuine compliment.

2. Remember that you are not responsible for giving a reason for saying no to the relationship. You can be polite and respectful, but you don't have to give a lengthy explanation for your decision.

3. Don't offer false hope. Be clear that this is the end.

4. Remember, you are not responsible for the other person's reaction to your saying no. As long as you are kind, you cannot control how the person is going to react.

If you're still having second thoughts about breaking it off, be honest and ask yourself if you are getting what you really want and deserve out of the relationship. And if you've asked for it before but it just doesn't seem to happen, you know what needs to be done.


by HARRISON OMOTUENMHEN.

Should Women Settle

Many women wind up with someone who they never thought they would be with because they got tired of waiting on that one person who can offer them everything they want and then some. They hear that their standards are too high, they are getting old, or what they are looking for isn't realistic. They take all of that into consideration and find themselves unhappy and trying to turn the person who they are with into someone they are not, which brings us to that infamous question... should women settle?

Should women settle has always been and will always be an ongoing debate. In an article titled "Marry Him!" written by Lori Gottlieb, she stated, "settling will probably make you happier in the long run." I was totally taken by her comment and she has a right to her opinion, but the answer is no! You should not settle, but you do compromise. To clarify the difference, settling is settling for less; accepting false comfort, and compromise is coming to a "mutual" agreement and finding balance. "Many people look for someone to complete their life rather than compliment it" (Sacco, 2007)! By settling, you are giving yourself away at a discount to someone who will never truly fulfill your needs and make you complete.

You start on your settling quest when many people tell you that your wants are unrealistic. After processing those comments over and over, you slowly begin to agree because you can't seem to find a man who can provide you with your wants. Once you do that, you just started to lower your standards and became more open to accepting someone whom you wouldn't normally accept.

When you meet someone, you will not always know if this person is good for you because you will be too busy caught up in the adrenaline rush that you are blinded by reality. The longer the rush, the more you will be willing to accept things that you don't like. Once the rush is over, you start to see things that were hidden by the rush. Since most of you lead with emotions, you are now emotionally attached to someone who you know that you are not compatible with. And the longer you wait to get out of this relationship, the more you are willing to settle.

Accept the fact that you will have failed relationships; that is a way of life. However, I do understand that you will grow tiresome of relationship after relationship. You will often times become confused and start to wonder if something is wrong with you, but to further explain this, look up the article, "99 Percent of All Relationships Will Fail." When this happens, don't get discouraged and cling on to the next relationship that comes your way. You will be doing yourself a major injustice and find yourself settling again. If you know what you want, don't will it to happen, wait for it happen.

Finding someone who completes you requires patience. It may take longer for you than others, but don't get discouraged. If you get impatient, you will find yourself in a situation that you will probably regret. Don't get wrapped around your age and your beauty. Women are like fine wine... they get better with age.

"Many are in love with the idea of being "in love" and this is why they settle for less than ideal mates" (Sacco, 2007). You must realize while on your quest to meet the man who gives you everything you want and completes you, by no means will he be perfect. He is going to do things that will irritate you or have completely different views than you, but that doesn't mean he won't complete you. You may have so much in common, yet you two are very different. However, this doesn't mean you don't try. You still don't settle... but you do compromise. After you compromise and accept the things that you cannot change, he maybe just the person who completes you.

BY HARRISON OMOTUENMHEN

How to Find a Man Looking For Marriage - Advice For Single Women

Many single women would really love just one thing. That's to find an honest, sincere and fun natured man to establish a long term relationship with. It can be a struggle to meet a man who is also looking for a commitment. Naturally you can't bring up the subject of marriage during the first couple of dates you have with a man, so how do you spot a man looking for marriage? There are actually some telltale signs that women should be aware of. These signs indicate that the man in question is open for a substantial and meaningful relationship.

One noticeable trait that a man looking for marriage is likely to have is that he's bored or disinterested in playing the field. He doesn't hang out at bars, he's not dating a different woman every night of the week, and he's not portraying himself as single and available. Generally a man who is more focused on work and spends his evenings in watching television or enjoying the company of friends, is ready to settle down. If a man spends every night out drinking and partying, he's no where near the marriage altar in terms of his frame of mind.

When you are trying to find a man looking for marriage take note of how he reacts around children. If a man is entering the phase in his life where a wife and children are appealing, he'll be warm and welcoming with children. He'll try and engage them and will actually want to spend time with his friends who have kids. He's not frightened by kids and he may even mention in passing how he's looking forward to being a dad one day.

Men who are entrenched in their careers and enjoy the idea of saving for their future may be considering marriage. Many men who are still playing the field will have no concern about their finances. They generally aren't thinking about mortgages or savings accounts. If you want to find a man looking for marriage, pay special attention to the ones who talk about their future goals and are working towards them.

Knowing what to look for in a man will help you determine whether the potential for marriage is there. If you feel the time has come for you to buy the dress and take that walk down the aisle, finding a man who is at that same stage in his own life is vitally important. For more signs of men ready to marry as well as signs of men who have no desire to become a husband soon.

BY HARRISON OMOTUENMHEN.

Attract a Man Who Will Be Committed, Not Faithful

The Institute of Marriage is not to be entered into lightly. A marriage is about longevity, not about a weekend fling. It should not be entered into with thoughts of, "oh, if it doesn't work out, we can always get a divorce". It is an institution of love, commitment, respect and understanding. This means that excess emotional baggage, which includes childhood issues, past relationship issues and adult insecurities should be worked through before taking that final leap into a committed marriage.

I had a discussion with a single lady and she said, 'As a single woman, there has not been one single moment with a guy that I have not been asked, "So, why are you still single"? My answer, "Because I choose to be". The reply always throws them off guard, because they are waiting to hear a response along the lines of, "I haven't found Mr. Right", or "All good men are either married or gay". But these men are never prepared to hear that a woman is single because she chooses to be. We live in an era where Sex and the City reigns and the plight of the single woman seeking Mr. Big, I mean, Mr. Right is analyzed to bits. While I will be the first to admit that the show is one of my guilty pleasures, it does portray single women in a negative light. Why can't women be successful and chose to be single at the same time without being in a rush to get married and have a bunch of babies? As popular as the show was, it failed to portray women as being happily single. Samantha was the closest. Of course, this is the kind of woman that most men will not marry. Why? She is not wife material. Instead, they want the woman who is anxious or maybe desperate to get married and have babies. That is an insecure man.

Unfortunately, these women are the ones that will often fall into the statistics of having been cheated on by their husbands. They were so driven to get married and start a family that they did not take the time to really get to know their partners. As a result, important emotional issues were over-looked. Some of these men were taught that it's ok to have a wife at home while having a few women on the side and as long the wife doesn't find out, then it's ok. Maybe they witnessed their father cheating on their mother in the same manner and they grew up thinking that if Dad did it then it must be ok. A lot of times these men grow up being disgusted by their father's behaviour, but felt powerless to do anything about it.

Having a committed partner is more desirable than a partner who will be faithful, because, women if your partner is committed to you, he will also be faithful. But how do you ensure that he will be committed? You will know this through honest and direct communication. Ask the hard questions, do not leave any stone unturned. This is going to be your life long partner, you need to know every thing there is to know. There should only be inconsequential surprises during the actual marriage. Work through your emotional baggage before you enter into a relationship. That way you will be more receptive to red flags that signal a deeper emotional issue. This is not to say that you won't have emotional issues, but the issues should be the ones that can only be worked through while you are in a relationship because that is the only place where you will realize that you do have some left-over, unresolved issues.

Many women and men are afraid of being alone. Yet, this is very important if we want to choose a proper mate. Get to know yourself first. If you do not spend some time alone with yourself, then how will you know who you are? How will you know your likes and dislikes? Furthermore, how are you going to try and get to know someone else if you do not know yourself, much less marry that person? That is a recipe for infidelity, because the relationship was not based on a solid foundation.

Women, fall in love with yourself first before falling in love with someone else. Be committed to your personal growth and your personal welfare. Spend some quality time with yourself. Take yourself out on a date, travel to some exotic location by yourself or just simply stay home and be comfortable doing so. By working on your relationship with yourself, you can then begin to work on a relationship with someone else, who has personal integrity, respect for himself and respect for you. When you are committed to your life, you develop an inherent respect for yourself, an independence that will prove to be a strong elixir not for Mr. Right, but for your perfect lifetime partner. And because of your commitment to yourself, not only is he committed to himself, he will step into your life and be committed to you and only you.

BY HARRISON OMOTUENMHEN.